Monday, October 15, 2007

There goes "Mother of the Year"...





The twins are too heavy for me to carry them at the same time upstairs anymore, so I take them one at a time up to their cribs for naptime. Seth was first today. I tucked him in and returned to grab Logan. This is where I found him. Now granted, the stove wasn't ON, however this still looks bad.

I know, "Bad Melanie," but alas -- it gets worse.

After everyone gets up from their naps, Kate is invited over to play at a friend's house and I realize there is just dust left in the bottom of the formula cans. So, let's make a trip to Wal-Mart and grab a few things! Now our Wal-Mart doesn't have carts with spots for two children, so I've created a way for both twins to fit in the top of the cart. They each get one leg hole; their other leg is kind of wedged sideways. It's very comfortable, I'm sure.

I park close to an abandoned cart, load up the twins, and we're off across the parking lot. The wind blowing our hair, the twins giggling, I'm revelling in the cleverness of my motherhood. Now I've learned a few shopping tips as a mother of four. Chances are I won't make it through my entire list, so I get the MOST important stuff first. That way I can abandon my mission at any time. I head to the back of the store first, for formula. As I'm loading can after can into my cart, the twins realize what I'm doing, and they start to beller. I calmly explain to them that formula does not taste good dry, but they don't care, and they start to arch their backs and thrown little tantrums.

Not a problem, I say. I'll just grab a few more items on my way to check out. See, I'm so clever that I already got what I came for -- I can leave at any time. The deli is on the way. I just need a pound of turkey -- and there's no line. I can stand a little more noise. I place my order and realize the screaming is escalating on the left side of my cart.

"Logan, what's the matter honey," I start to say when I notice he has somehow wedged his foot (the one without a dedicated leg hole) through the tiniest of slats in the cart. I do not exaggerate when I say the slats are a mere inch and a half wide. I try to move the foot, but his pudgy ankle doesn't even budge and he screams louder. Now we start drawing attention. Deli workers, other customers, and eventually Wal-Mart management begin to converge as I continue to work on the now-swelling body part. I mumble about needing lotion, as I overhear someone say they're going to get something to cut the bars with. That seems extreme, I think, but what else am I going to do? I'm beginning to panic when an angel in a Wal-Mart shirt runs up with her hands cupped. "Try this," she says. LIQUID SOAP from behind the deli counter -- brilliant!

I rub it on Logan's leg and -- POP -- the foot slips out. So the worse is over for Logan, but the panic is rising on the faces of management around me. Do they really think I'm going to blame them for this? Okay, carts with slots for two kids would be nice, but this little predicament was all me. Don't worry, folks. No lawsuits here. Just get me to checkout!

Of course, I have to carry the still-sobbing Logan and push the cart with Seth (who now gets two leg holes, but would rather be carried too). We pay for the groceries and make it to the car without further incident. As I'm driving home, I look in the mirror to see the twins making spitting noises and laughing at each other. What little sweeties. And I think to myself, why don't I order my groceries online?

15 comments:

bionictrout said...

You didn't sign anything or otherwise expressly waive your legal remedies, did you?

Hailey said...

Oh Melanie, this scene is ALL too familiar--did I write this post? Well, we haven't experienced the wedged leg yet but you can bet I put them in with one leg hole per kid, and you can bet I say to every person I meet, "Why can't every grocery store buy at least ONE Costco-like cart for the millions of us with twins out there? On our last outing, I had Mila push the stroller and I pushed the cart and it has worked the best so far, but twice as many people stopped to gape! What a crazy life we live!

Hailey said...

Um, is gape even a word? I'm losing it, I tell ya!

erin said...

Oh, man... poor Logan! :)
I've heard that Albertsons delivers groceries for $10 or will have your groceries ready for you when you get to the store for like $5.

Jenni said...

Oh my gosh- -I'm totally laughing WITH you--not at you...really, this sounds like a scene out of a movie or something. You are a brave woman to go shopping with twin 1 year olds. My hat is off to you!

Kristen said...

You do deserve mother of the year after going through that and having the courage to go out again. I am afraid I would stay in the house indefinitely.

Jenni said...

I tagged you! Check out my blog!

Kelly said...

Now I'm stressed out and I need cookies and tivo to get this post out of my head.

I'm with Kristen. I would be officially agoraphobic by now.

And you wonder why Costco gets all your money? Now, what's my excuse?

tiffany knox said...

brilliant! that was a great story to read because lets be honest-we ve all had similar experiences! if you dont believe me move to utah and see that situations like that happeen quite a bit. exactly one year ago landon fell out of the cart at target and it was the same panicky situation and yes to make things worse it happened to anzlie before that but it was much worse when it happened to her!
that picture of logan was so funny - you cant be n two places at once! they must have been hungry then too!
talk to you soon
tiff

Brett & Shireen said...

The times I feel especially lucky that I can shop without children is when I hear stories like this. Hilarious, and I'm really glad you didn't need the "jaws of life" to get him out of the stroller. Why on earth aren't there more leg holes? Don't the costco carts have room for 2 kids up front? I have told Kelly I think she needs to write a book, I think you should to. Celebrity mom's in action?

Laura said...

ha! hey, did you get those formula coupons i sent you w/the artwork for kate? hope you are faring well with joe gone all week. good luck! all the stores here in atlanta have the car-shaped carts with room for 2 - two steering wheels even - and they come in 4 different colors to boot~ what's up with arizona?? :-)

Keira said...

Oh- This is too funny! I can not even imagine how life would be with twins; but, I sure enjoy reading about it! You're a trooper and a very good writer! I enjoy reading your blogs!

laura gunn said...

I love this! All class.

Dave in St. Louis said...

Maybe it's time to start carrying a bottle of liquid soap with you at all times--just in case.

mommyoffour said...

I just want to say that I sympathize with you! Every time I go to wal-mart I have to think about how I am going to get the twins in and out of there when they don't have the two seater carts! Honestly, you would think that of all places, wal-mart would have them! I will never figure that out! As I read your post, I just kept shaking my head because I have had those same thoughts! I finally figured out a good system... I do what Hailey does. My five year old pushes one twin in the stoller and I push the other twin in the cart. It has worked out perfectly! Thanks for the stories, it is nice to know that someone understands what it is like to be mommy to twins!!